women’s sex drive
ONE in five British women has a low sex drive, according to worrying new research.
The first national study into female sexual problems has revealed just how unhappy ladies are with their love lives…..
Many struggle to become aroused and others are left feeling distressed by love-making, claims the study by King’s College and Queen Mary universities, both in London. And being in an unhappy relationship was the main cause cited for sexual woes by the 1,500 women, aged 18 to 85, who were quizzed.
Here, sex expert TRACEY COX gives tips on how to beat the most common passion killers that couples encounter.
Saying ‘I do’
THE line “Not tonight dear, we’re married” may get laughs in TV sitcoms, but for many couples it is the sobering reality.
Tracey says: “A common perception is that it’s the wives who start saying no. But it’s actually more often men saying ‘I don’t’ after ‘I do’.
“Familiarity is a desire dampener for both sexes because it strips away the three top turn-ons – unavailability, adventure and mystery. A natural reaction when all this happens is to feel angry and cheated.
“But you both need to stop making pre-marriage comparisons and replace the old hot, urgent sex with something equally satisfying – sex where you each know the other’s triggers so well orgasms are guaranteed.
“Anticipatory sex, where you’re both in a sexy fluster all day at work because you’re going to try something new and naughty that night, is also a good stand-in.”
Anger and resentment
“CHRONIC anger poisons your relationship and sex life,” warns Tracey.
“If the person you’re living with is no longer your friend, they’re the enemy. Why would you want to open your heart – or legs – to them?
“They can’t be trusted to do the right thing by you. Feeling attacked isn’t sexy. Attacking someone you’re meant to love isn’t sexy either.”
Bad sex is usually the symptom rather than the cause of tensions. So to get things back on track in the bedroom, you need to work out what made you angry in the first place – then deal with it.
Tracey says: “It’s unlikely to be sex problems that got you to this point. Think back to when it all started and you’ll find the original cause, all the other grievances are lumped on top.
“If you feel angry with your partner or they are angry with you, get yourself booked in to see a good couples counsellor now. As in, right now.
“Great sex can cure a lot of things but it’s impossible to have if anger and resentment are standing by the door watching you and sneering.”
I’m not sexy anymore
KEEPING your partner attracted to you is a two-way process.
First, try to maintain what attracted them to you in the first place – a sexy body or an infectious laugh.
Tracey says: “There are plenty of ways to turn your partner off you physically. Heavy smoking, hygiene habits, slobbing around in hideous clothes. But the biggest turn-off of all, in surveys worldwide and cross-gender, is putting on weight.
“Love is kind but it’s not blind.
“If it’s you that’s tipping the scales, think about why you’re over-eating. Food is a source of pleasure. Are there other things to give you that?
“If your partner is getting ‘bigger’, encourage them to go on a health kick with you. If that doesn’t work, a tactful chat to say you’re worried about their weight for health reasons will get you further than digs about elephants.”
The second way is for people to recognise new attractions – you being supportive, nurturing, a whizz at the finances, a great mum or dad.
Tracey says: “It’s not always possible to maintain all the initial attractions. You should rely on both.”
Bad or boring technique
TRACEY says: “The better sex is, the more you’ll want it. It’s that simple.
“While technique can be easily learnt with self-education and feedback from a partner, if you didn’t speak up at the start it seems both cruel and unthinkable to turn around and say, ‘Honey, everything you do in bed doesn’t do a thing for me’ 15 years in.”
The main reason why women don’t orgasm with their partners is because they don’t speak up about what they need to make it happen. Tracey says: “If you need 20 minutes of uninterrupted oral sex, ask for it. How do you have orgasms on your own?
“That’s the clue to having them with your partner.
“Turn things around, be the one who is deciding who does what where and when. You can also think back to experiences you’ve enjoyed the most. What made them stand out?
“Identify the key elements and work to recreate them.”
And the hottest sex tip of the lot? Get granny to have the kids for a sleepover so you can relax and properly enjoy intimate time together.